i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
