You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
