I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
