Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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