I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
