Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
