Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
