I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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