Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
