4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
