So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
