ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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