Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
