I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
