remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
