I feel great
I just peed on a car
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
