Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
