I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
