i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I want to fling myself into the sun
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
