it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow