you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.