just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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