You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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