If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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