you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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