Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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