So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
