Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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