dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
