If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
