I can't watch pbs sober anymore
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
