Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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