he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
