I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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