Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
