If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
