your thong is hanging out like whoa
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s