Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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