who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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