Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize