dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
