You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
