Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
