life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm eating all of the evidence.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
People in love make me want to vomit
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
