I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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