Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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