Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
