i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
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sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a shit load of segways right now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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