I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
