My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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