There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
