I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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