I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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