Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
NoShamevember. You game?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
