I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
