I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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