No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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